Walter Jones for National Spinster

Campaign season brings a special kind of crazy in social media, so this season I'm putting my foot down. The madness has to end. Anyone who shares disingenuous campaign paraphernalia (and that dragnet pretty much covers ALL campaign paraphernalia) will have their kneecaps split with a rusty lead pipe. Those of us trying to have a decent, level-headed argument about policy can't sit for three seconds without having to pen out some ridiculous diatribe explaining why even if the President were born on the moon his parents were American citizens, so it doesn't even matter. Jus sanguinis.

Case and point, this claptrap from Rep. Walter Jones (R-NC):


I'm gonna start with the shit that should scream out at you and then work my way down...

1) Only in Orwellian math does a 0.7% rise in unemployment equal a 9% rise in unemployment. And yes, I understand where the number came from, it's still shit. That's like saying that if I switch from drinking 1% milk to 2% that I've increased my fat intake by 100%. Sure, the math is technically correct, but just saying it's up by a measly percentage point won't make it seem like my arteries are going to explode.

I can guarantee you that if the unemployment rate had decreased from 8.5% to 7.8%, nobody would be saying that unemployment dropped by 9%, because nobody is that stupid, except maybe the Congresscritter from North Carolina. There must be something in the water.

2) For most of us, the last time we can remember gas being below $2/gallon is somewhere around the time the Marlins won the World Series. This is because that is the last time gas was that cheap for more than the blink of an eye. Once again, the number is technically correct, but still shit. There was a period between late November 2008 and late March 2009 when oil was trading around $50/barrel. I can't blame anyone for not remembering why, but sufficed to say the world economy looked something like this. Even people I know who don't follow politics at all realize that this is a bogus talking point, so I'd suggest people stop using it before they make even larger fools of themselves.

3) I'm going to jump back to the unemployment rate because while a 0.7% increase is nothing to balk at, and certainly nothing a sitting President would even be proud of, the number is hollow unless you marry it up with changes in the labor force over time. Once again, those of us who have memories that span past the last episode of Jersey Shore recall that when Bush left office our economy was hemorrhaging 750,000 jobs a month. Not a year, not during his entire Presidency, but 750,000 jobs in January 2009 alone. You can read all the data off of the Bureau of Labor Statistics' website. Look at where the graph is in January 2009, and where it is now. Go on, do it. I'll wait...














...moving on.

4) If America were a right-proper socialist nightmare, trying to hang the cost of health insurance around the President's neck might be worthwhile. But is isn't, and doing so just makes you look like an ass. Here's five theories as to why costs are rising...the first one comes from the US Chamber of Commerce, which means they must have taken a five-minute breather from fellating Chinese financial firms to tell us what they think. I'm betting that they're more talented at the former occupation than the latter, but hey, you're entitled to think what you want. Just wipe the slop from your chin before you exit the washroom.

Same goes for college tuition...Jesus people, do you love Adam Smith or not? Because I have trouble keeping track.

5) Foodstamp stats are fun, because any rise means more poor people are being fed, and nobody hates that more than Jesus. Yet again, if you don't pay attention big numbers are scary, but I'll do my best to beat the scared out of you:

Since Oct. 1, new federal rules make it easier for households with income from combat pay, retirement accounts or education savings to be eligible.

If I know my Constitution well, this means that Sarah Palin is automatically President for the next 10 years and Obama has to clean the lavatory at the Congressional gym room for the remainder of his term.

Dean says the changes will increase participation but job layoffs will do far more to add people to the program.

I'll understand if you forgot, but remember this? Yeah.

6) Federal debt. Big numbers scary, right? Not if you realize that the US owns the vast majority of its own debt, so really it's just us investing in ourselves. Holy shit, somebody must be stoned for this! Wait, the SEC is already, stand down!

The rest of it is either subjective (what is US Competitiveness and how is it gauged?) or just plain fact. Yes, there are more unemployed since 2009, and yes, home values have plummeted...I don't know how many more .gifs of imploding buildings I'm allowed to post before I hit some kind of quota. Just remember that I have a lead pipe in standing water, so pay the fuck attention to what you post. It won't take much to warm up my swinging arm. I can't get to NC, so I'll have to settle for slugging his social media arm, I suppose. Selah.